As adult children, it’s hard to see our parents growing older. We hold on to the image of them as the strong family pillars they’ve always been, but we must accept that things are changing. Our priority becomes ensuring they remain safe and supported, and sometimes that requires initiating potentially difficult conversations about necessary changes. Do they need help to age in place? Should they consider downsizing? Or is moving to an assisted living community a better option?
Here are four tips for adult children on how to talk to their senior parents about making transitions, from senior care veteran and Caring Transitions advisor Carrie Coumbs to help guide these conversations with your aging parents.
Number 1: Be positive about what is ahead.
Help them embrace the fact that there's still a lot of life and a lot of activity and wonderful experiences that can still be had, with the right planning. Help them look at a change in life, a transition from place to place, not as an end but as a beginning.
Number 2: Make plans before the need arises.
Advance timing is so helpful! When we can make plans before chaos starts running the show, due to a spouse’s death or a debilitating illness, it’s an easier process. Plans can always be modified or completely changed if need be.
Number 3: Communicate openly.
Ask questions and show you value their thoughts. You could begin with something like, "Mom, Dad, I know that we're going to be making some changes as you go into this next stage. You've mentioned that you'd like to join this community and be part of something with people your own age who share some of your interests. Tell me more about that.” Let them be the experts of their own lives and involve yourself in the process.
If your parents are reluctant to talk with you about what’s ahead, encourage them by being open and transparent about your own life. When we talk about what we would like, we can speak with a level of certainty and it will open up a lot of conversations.
If you say, "I don't really plan on living in this house in this city all my life," then your parent might say, "Well, I do." That becomes a moment of truth – they’ve shared their plan. They want to stay where they currently are for as long as they possibly can. That opens up another conversation and allows you to ask them questions about what they’ve said.
"So, tell me why. Tell me why, Mom. Why would you like to stay here in this 3,000-square-foot house by yourself?" Once you hear her answers, offer to start building a plan around her wishes. You can also gently circle back to the topic in future conversations, "You know that time when we were talking about the plan? What happens if...?" Fill in the blank. "If that happens, what would you like us to do?" It's a conversation, but by starting with yourself there is an invitation to talk about the future together.
Number 4: Engage with respect.
Remember, we never have all the answers all at once. Sometimes it's good to do more research. Sometimes it's even okay to push the brake a little bit or ask more questions. If we ask questions with curiosity instead of accusation, then the conversation continues.
Sometimes bringing in an expert, like the team at Caring Transitions, can be incredibly helpful. From decluttering to downsizing, facilitating moves, estate sales, and online auctions, we are ready to support whatever is next for your family with dignity and respect throughout the process within Wauwatosa, Greenfield, West Allis, Milwaukee.
When we meet our parents where they are, we can work together to help them move forward in ways that feel good for everyone involved.